Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Is 50 Shades of Grey Abusive? #BDSM

There is a huge division out there between those who view 50 Shades of Grey as abuse and those who don't. Admittedly, some don't care either way. They are focused on the love story and anything else is secondary. But the question remains, is it abusive?

There are many  in the BDSM community that say it is. Why? Because those who practice BDSM follow one of two of the following:

SSC: Safe. Sane Consensual

Or

RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink


What does this have to do with 50 Shades?

The big sticking point with those who view what happened with Ana and Christian is the consensual part of this equation. Consent requires knowledge. One has to know and understand what they are agreeing to before it is really consensual. It's one of the reasons communication is so important in healthy BDSM relationships. Both parties have to be on the same page.

That didn't happen in 50 Shades. Christian presented Ana with what he wanted and then expected her to take it or leave it. Sure she could have asked questions, but given how naive Ana was at the beginning of the story, how would she know what to ask? It's a gray area, which is the problem so many have with it.

Does this take away from the love story? No. I don't think so. But I do think that it does need to be discussed. With the popularity of the books and now the movie, people are getting a glimpse into a lifestyle that is unfamiliar to them. Unfortunately, it's not an altogether accurate portrayal.

Do you think 50 Shades is abusive, why or why not?

10 comments:

  1. It's fiction. EL James took creative license. Sometimes fiction follows the truth, sometimes for drama's sake, it doesn't. Part of the draw of 50 Shades is Ana's naivete. If she had been more aware, it would have been a completely different story.

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  2. Keeping in mind that foremost for me 50 shades is fiction and as such I don't really get why people get so bothered about it...


    - to me fiction is fiction...

    yes some people have been using for centuries fiction to tell about stuff that would have been otherwise impossible to tell ( Zola, Hugo, Tolstoi, Dickens... ) but when it comes to abuse of all kinds nowadays non-fiction books sometimes have much worse contents than fiction ones... and personally I find it much more disturbing -


    Compared to other things on my bookshelves, I really can't classify 50 shades as abuse...


    It's been fun - and sad - to read... but far less traumatic for me that some Johanna Lindsey, or Judith McNaught, Kathleen Woodiwiss were. They might have been less graphic but any psychiatrist or women's right activist can have a field day with a LOT of their books.

    Want a asshole controlling millionnaire - well they were "just" millionnaire back then... early Judith McNaught are pretty spot on too: stalker, controlling, vengeful, do-as-I-say-I-don't-ask-question... they just didn't have modern media to do it... the Double Standards hero is probably the closest romance hero to Christian Grey I've ever read about... The one from Tender Triumph is not much different... let's not even talk about Perfect...


    Granted most of Woodiwiss and Lindsey's let's-start-our-happily-ever-after-on-a-rape are historical romances placed on tough times... but come on... Prisoner of my Desire is -for the time - about as graphic as a Skye Warren...


    But back to 50 shades. To see that it's actually not that bad, you have to hold on to the story through the 3 books... and quite a few people actually can't... they get bored and stop reading somewhere in the second book.

    You can't focus on the sex scenes, have to deal with the weird narrative back and forth at the beginning of the 3rd book, and speed read through all the repetitions, and unnecessary details that quite often drown the story.

    Good luck with that... especially if you don't like the book.

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  3. 2nd part of answer ( I hadn't planned to write so much loooool )

    I wouldn't not classify 50 shades as a BDSM book either ( even tough it's marketed as such ) ... again extensive bookshelves...


    The few touch of BDSM are just a prop for the story ( there it's really twilight-ish BDSM is even less useful to the story as Edwards's vampirism is to Twilight, what makes him the villain of the story but it's not his fault because someone else made him this way to save him ) you can totally erase any passages that talk about it and the newly edited book still totally makes sense...


    The part that could be understood as a now rather healthy kinky ( but we don't really know how much) relationship lasts about half of the last chapter of the third book, where it's clear that they developed something that's theirs.


    Blink and you'll miss it...


    But let's get real for a minute...


    Most of 50 shades action occurs within about 15-20 weeks... in that time frame, they go from starting to date, to breaking up, to be together again, to move in together, to marry, to have their honeymoon to get pregnant.

    She's a naive young woman with no experience

    He's not naive at all on some levels, but sometimes even more clueless than her, never had a real relationship in his life, has a list of hang ups and ghosts longer than the contract he tries to push on her...


    In real life, there is just no way those two could develop something healthy in that time frame, they have way too much to overcome...


    50 shades is a fairy tale... a fairy tale with handcuffs in it, but a fairy tale... and one that has been told countless times...


    Tall, dark, tortured and handsome meets clueless and full of self confidence issues


    They fall in love at first sight... and are each others everything to the point nothing else exist even common sense.


    For her, he crosses into the light and faces his demons, stops being the villain, she saves him and they live happily ever after.


    Fairy tale...


    A fairy tale that can be fun or not depending on your reading taste but should not be taken seriously

    A fairy tale that like most fairy tales nowadays is overanalysed ( some doctors and "specialists" and so on have waaaaayyyyy too much on their hands, like all those guys that finance all those research on cat behaviors )

    But that being said...


    I understand both sides... because when you read/see something you see it through your coloured glasses and you react or not to the triggers you have or not...

    All sides are wrong and right at the same time and don't really have a chance of finding a middle ground as they'll always will be influenced first by their life story and own personal background.

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  4. First of all , I think that people shouldn't take anything they read in a book or see in a movie so seriously. Being that we are all mature adults I guess all of us know what that means. Forget about this particular movie and look at the Holleywood as a whole. How many movies which are made in Holleywood do you think have 100 percent positive , accurate and informative stories in them ? thousands of movies are made each other that are solely based on violation , inappropriate sex , drugs and all other destructive subjects. So why now all of a sudden EVERYTHING in a movie should be right ? I have no idea. So the first thing is that people should learn to differentiate a movie , a book , a poem .....from their real life. Just look at the structure of this book?!! How many multibilloners with childhood issues are gonna end up falling in love with virgin college students ?!! that alone should tell you that this book is mostly fiction . The chances of that happening in real life is in the best circumstances next to nothing. So now that we have established this (that this is a fiction and if someone leads her life based on a fiction story and gets hurt that's entirely on her own) , let's ASSUME that Christian fails to educate Anna properly in the beginning. What is the consequences of that for Anna? having a way better first time sex than the average girl ? getting erotic spankings prior to sex?! The more interesting issue is that some of the auhtors who are now criticizing this book have done exactly what has been done in this book in their own books and even worse. I know a certain very popular BDSM series which begins with a complete and utter naive ending up in a dungeon one night and playing in a scene in a very exposed dungeon for people to watch the next week by some VERY respectful masters. And the phrase Safe, Sane and consensual comes from there!! Now I'm a fan of those books myself and I'm not saying that anything is wrong with that ( aside from the fact that I'm not much of an exhibitioner myself so at least I give Christian the credit of keeping his playroom private ) . And besides, you can't just go there and accuse a 3 book novel of being abuse. You have to give me a page and a line of the book where that abuse is taking place and then we can go from there. Also the word abuse has a very wide range of meanings.
    Abuse is the improper usage or treatment of an entity, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit.[1] Abuse can come in many forms, such as: physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, assault, violation, rape, unjust practices; crimes, or other types of aggression.
    You need to clarify is it a verbal abuse? emotional abuse? physical abuse?

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  5. To quote a post I saw earlier - "How anyone could believe a crappy book that romanticizes abuse would be a good movie is beyond me. I couldn't get through a page (in the store) before I needed a shower to remove the stench of horrible writing and perverse subject matter. My question that will most likely never be answered is, how on earth did she get published to begin with?" Seriously, it reads like a 4 yr old wrote it!

    Any man who flies 3000 miles to watch a woman w/o her knowing is NOT romantic-it's creepy. Can you say restraining order?! He makes her wear what he wants, eat what he wants, makes her work out and FORCES her on birth control?! WTF?! And everything he does that's abusive all she does is give in! *Facepalm* NOT romantic! Stand up, Ana. I mean that literally.

    Let's be honest: IF CG were a middle aged, overweight, bald and poor FSOG would be a lifetime movie about how bad this subject matter is for women and this douche would be in jail. It's not romantic just b/c he's young, rich, and has a 6 pack. Controlling women is misogynistic and sexist, and belongs in history books. It's NOT erotic- it'd derogatory and degrading. And for the record, I am NO prude! *I* am the woman all these horny housewives were calling a slut b/c I was enjoying sex and in touch with/exploring my own sexuality ( pun intended) LONG before these "books" came out. All this series did was create a slew of "authors" doing nothing but push female submission. SO much so that when I say I'm a Dominant woman all these submissive mommies look at me like I'M the one w/ the problem. Women SHOULD be allowed to explore our sexuality and enjoy sex just as much as men, but that should NOT be equated with submission. There are just as many submissive men as Dominant women, and there's nothing wrong with that, but all these sub women just can't wrap their heads around that *smh*

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    Replies
    1. If being a Dominant woman is okay why isn't being a submissive Okay ? There are lots of Dominant women in the real life out there . Where in this book was mentioned that being a dominant woman is wrong? I mean what does it really have to do with that book ? there are LOTS of books out there with submissive women in them. There are also women who like both being submissive and dominant. What is wrong with that?

      And for your information there are LOTS of dominant men and Masters who are old and poor but they are loved by their submissives. I have seen that in REAL life. what is wrong with being poor, bald or old?? !!!!!!!!!!

      If you had read the books you knew that at the end of book 2 Christian kneeled in front of Anna which means from the beginning she had all the power.

      Christian doesn't MAKE Anna do anything .........He asks her!!! she can say NO which she did to a lot of things.

      Even if you don't like being told what to eat there ARE women out there who like that. Hell......there are even slaves out there who enjoy being in that relationship 24/7 . Just because you don't like anything doesn't give you the right to disrespect women who are in that relationships.

      And please read a book before accusing of something.

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    2. So, all your rant told me is that this "kink" isn't your kink. Just as I would assume Anne Rice's "Sleeping Beauty" series wouldn't be either. It's not your job to tell anyone but yourself what kink is okay to enjoy as a book or as a movie.

      Campaigning to improve domestic violence awareness and sexual assault awareness isn't what your are doing here.

      You are shaming other women for taking a step forward in feeling that they can be aroused by more than what people like you tell them they are permitted to be aroused by. You are shaming women for connecting with deeper parts of themselves. You do not get to dictate what is sexually arousing for anyone but yourself, even in the name of fighting sexual stereotypes in Hollywood. It is not your job to determine for me what is acceptable for my to find something positive to identify with when you do not.

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  6. It's a Harlequin Presents with sugar kink. Unfortunately, a lot of people have trouble distinguishing truth from fiction.

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  7. I find it interesting that this book and now this movie really reveal a lot about people's personal experiences.

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  8. Those in the BDSM community take their chosen lifestyles very seriously. They are very protective of it. And with good reason. I also find their desire to protect those new to the exploration of it as a lifestyle very admirable.

    I stand on the side of don't shame me for my fantasy or my kink. I see the kink through the eyes of the love story. I suspend my (considerable) disbelief. My personal experiences have taught me that weirder things can happen, even if 98% of the time the exact opposite is what is reality. I am not wrong to enjoy taking a love story as just that and so viewing it through the filter of misguided but best intentions. Just like I have to do for so very, very many love stories out there, or even movies. (Am currently watching "The Fugitive" where the Fed Marshal comes to see that this doctor isn't the usual fugitive scum bag who won't change. Wouldn't use it as a life map either, but many find it entertaining.)

    So back to your actual question, Sherri, no I don't find this story to be abuse, and I agree with out about the actual love story part, but I do see than it triggers very many people who do see it as abuse. It was trying to portray a "grey" area from a particular fantasy relationship, after all.

    I think the discussion this fantasy relationship generates to be frustrating, but think,and hope in the end it will be good for women's rights, the awareness of domestic abuse, and hopefully, what DBSM really is.

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