Consent and Communication in Kinky Romance

 Sometimes, as lovers of the romance genre, we take the importance of consent and communication for granted. Of course the heroine wants the hero to ravish her. Why wouldn't the hero want to be tied to a bed and rode like a horse? We assume these things to be true because we know there's going to be a happily ever after at the end.

But adding a little realize to your romance isn't a bad thing. In fact, I would argue it's good for the story. It helps to give a layer of authenticity to the book, and can be used to build the bond between the characters making their love story more believable.

Communication and consent are important in healthy relationships, both in real life and in fiction. I've always found having the characters talk about their relationship, both in and out of the bedroom, builds a stronger foundation for the couple. It often provides and opportunity to increase the emotional connection.

The key to building trust and understanding between characters is communication. Think about any real life relationship and the best ones have great communication. Each person, whether we're talking a romantic partnership or a friendship, listens and respects the other person, hearing their concerns.

In romance novels, it's no different. Characters should have open and honest conversations, sharing their fears, their desires, and their expectations.

This is frequently seen in BDSM, or kinky romances. Because the characters are going to be engaging in a more taboo relationship, making sure all the parties are on the same page is important. Boundaries can be set. Expectations expressed.

In more taboo romance novels, such as BDSM, safewords created. Even though boundaries are, and should be set ahead of any play, that doesn't mean signals that alert the other party something's wrong shouldn't' be implemented. Sometimes ropes are tied too tight, or sitting incorrectly. Or, it could be something medically going on with one of the participants. Anything can happen, more so depending on the nature of play, so having a way to pause or stop play is important.

While this might sound boring to read in a book, it doesn't need to be. Is one character new to this type of relationship? Share how they're feeling about the other person's desires. Are they worried? Excited? Unsure? All these emotions give the author an opportunity to dig deeper into their characters core needs and values.

In my novel, Claiming His Kiss, Ali was terrified of being gagged. Before they play for the first time, they discuss her fear. Is this something she is taking off the table entirely, or is it something she needs to build up to? What is it about being gagged that's a problem for her? All these things can be explored and used as the story progresses.

Getting clear consent through open communication is more than a simple yes or no once at the beginning of the relationship. It's ongoing communication throughout the story. I mean, how many romances are out there that use miscommunication as a plot device to separate the couple?

I can tell you, it's a lot, and to be honest, it's one of my least favorite things about the genre. The author has spent the entire book building the relationship. Building trust and communication. Then BAM! It's gone in a heartbeat.

For that reason, it's rare I use miscommunication as a plot device. There are so many other options such as family obligations, some sort of danger, an injury, or any other number of outside options.

Conflicts arise in relationships and that's great for creating a good story and miscommunication can and does happen, but that doesn't mean it needs to fester and grow. Addressing potential issues head-on allows character to grow, learn from their mistakes, and develop a strong connection.